Today's date is November 9th, 2010. I've been separated from Michael, my husband, for more than two months now. I still haven't acquired Austrian residency, though the immigration offices have requested Michael's physical presence at their office in Feldkirch either this week or next. I'm assuming that this means that I'm close to receiving my residency card, but then again I should never assume anything until it actually transpires. I really ought to know better by now.
Then again, Michael may have an employment opportunity in Oakland. If it were to work out, he could be working in the Bay Area by December 1st. So it would make sense that I'd *finally* obtain this prestigious right of residency exactly when I'd never actually have to return to the land of Vorarlberg as a resident! Also I'd like to point out that I recently had to change my flight back to Europe because I didn't yet have the right to re-enter the European Union a couple of weeks ago, which is when I originally thought that these immigration issues would be resolved. I had to pay five hundred dollars to make the change my flight schedule, and my new flight from San Francisco to Zurich is scheduled for......drum roll, please.....December 1st. I chose that date because I can actually enter into the EU as a tourist by then. <Sigh>
Anyway, with the way that things have been going it would only make sense that Michael would actually get a fabulous job in the Bay Area at precisely the time that I can finally return to the EU to be with him. Ha! Of course I'll get that residency card just as soon as he brings his cute self and my two little felines back to San Francisco. To top it off, literally everything I own is currently situated in Feldkirch, Austria in Michael's parents' family home. I had shipped everything there because I wanted the transition to be successful (which it wasn't), and I thought that having my furniture and my art with me would make me feel more at home in a foreign place. As a result, I don't even have one plate nor a single glass in San Francisco anymore. Don't get me wrong. I *want* him to get this job! I really want him to get it! We can figure out how to make it all work, and I'm certain of that. However the irony of it all if just beyond words.
May Life please bless us with this incredible employment opportunity and with more than enough income to pull us out of debt quickly and to build up our savings and to lead to even more wonderful employment opportunities down the road.
I'm currently staying with my mother and her husband in Florida, and I've been here for more than a week. This visit has been much more successful than my prior visit here almost four weeks ago, but I'd be lying if I said that it's all been stress-free and easy. No, that's certainly not the case. However, I am glad that I chose to come back here with the intention of working towards a better relationship with my mother. Obviously a relationship requires both parties to be equally dedicated to this process for any real change to occur. I knew going into this that I only could choose my own behaviors and my own reactions to my mother's behaviors and actions. I haven't always chosen the best responses, but I've done a much better job than the last time I was here.
My mother's attitude, energy, and actions can be difficult to bear at times, and there doesn't appear to be any rhyme or reason to her emotional state. I don't think that she will ever change, but I do think that my response to her aggressiveness can often lead to her willingness to soften eventually. It just takes a long time, and it requires an immense amount of patience and determination on my part while I'm feeling riled by her incessant bitterness.
Yesterday was actually a pretty good day, though, and at least I have had many opportunities to show her that all I'm seeking, for the most part, is for her to speak to me with love. She does love me-that I know. She just doesn't seem able to fully relax and to let go very often, if ever, and she allows herself to behave any way that wants when she becomes stressed. What I can't understand is why she is even becomes stressed most of the time. Everything seems fine, and normally everyone would be having a good time and enjoying themselves and each other. Nothing has happened. No one has done anything against her, and if something really minor has happened (like folding her laundry without first washing one's hands) it certainly wasn't done intentionally, nor was it done against anyone. I want to get along with her, but I can't stand it when she screams at me for nothing or speaks to me in a demeaning fashion. She's always demanding respect, but she doesn't always provide it to others. She always wants me to come give her a hug, but she isn't always willing to be loving with me in the first place. My mother is an enigma (as we all are, I suppose).
When I was speaking to Michael on the phone earlier this afternoon, I posed an intriguing question to the both of us. "How would we be living and what would we be doing if we were the bravest people on the planet?"
I need to seriously ponder that question and write down everything that comes up for me without any hesitation or judgment.
My other important thought today was that if Life isn't actually opening up to us as we are attempting to resolve our situation in a way that makes the most logical sense within our social norms, then maybe we ought to be thinking outside of the box. It's not easy to think outside the box of reality in which one is entrenched, yet at the same time I believe that it's possible if we really were that brave.
We could sacrifice certain aspects of our lives to gain a totally new experience of life.
And perhaps even if we are blessed with this incredible job, we really ought to think about our goals in the near future and how we both want to life our lives because the rat race has lost its appeal to me. I'm sick of inadvertently funneling money to the most horrific people on the planet, and I'm tired of allowing money to govern my choices. The majority of our tax dollars are spent on war, and I feel that our social system is becoming more and more unjust. The system benefits corporations at the expense of humanity, and I'm really tired of it.
Surviving isn't necessarily living, and before I die I'd really like to live in a way that supports my deepest and most spiritual truths.
We all have choices, and I think that if this job does come our way it will provide us with the opportunity to pay off our debts. I've been having a very hard time being dependent and not being able to contribute, and I want to help pull us out of the financial mess that we're in. I believe that paying off our debts and building up some savings is a good choice for us. That said, if in the end we just end up doing exactly what is expected of us and end up living essentially just as we did before this experience of material loss and heartache and separation happened, then what would the purpose be of all this? I think that we need to have clear goals about our future and what we really want to achieve in our lifetime.
I'm not saying that there is necessarily inherent purpose in Life, but I am saying that I'd like us to learn and to grow and to live better as a result of everything that we have endured. I'm tired of the rat race, quite frankly, and I can see myself living a much more simple life in a beautiful, warm place. That said, I don't really know where Life will take us. There are many things that I would like to learn, from jewelry making and working with metals to food science research and potentially even to the ins and outs of journalism and editing work. I've considered going back to school to become a Nurse Practitioner, and I've also thought about different jobs in design. If this job didn't end up working out, and if I did have to go back to Austria for some time, I even contemplated teaching English as a second language to adults, probably in a business setting.
I don't know what's coming next or what to expect, and I feel like I'm in the midst of a waiting game.
I have to wait because I want to be with my husband, and everything in regards to my own personal future is on hold until we know where Michael will be working.
It doesn't have to be that way. I could choose to do my own thing, but that wouldn't make me any happier than waiting. If I can't be with him, then my relationship will be put on hold indefinitely. That's not at all what I want.
I don't really know exactly what I do want, but I'm asking the right questions. I also do seem to know what I don't want, or at least I know what I fear the most.
Moving to Austria was pretty much the worst decision that I've ever made. I'm absolutely terrified of having to move back there, even temporarily, and of recreating the pain and the anguish that I felt before. If that were to happen again, the experience could destroy me and could also obliterate my marriage. I so want to succeed and to find my way and to reclaim my happiness and my joy again. I don't want to move backwards. I want to move forward, whatever that looks like.
Please, Life, bless us with the path of success and joy and health and ease and abundance through and for the good of all.
Is it our time yet?
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Finding Inner Peace
Financial stress coupled with physical discomfort has wreaked havoc on my poor body and on my inner self.
I often find myself up until the wee hours of the night, exhausted but awake while stress is coarsing through my body and as plans and hopes and worries rush through my mind.
Tonight I decided to lay down and to intentionally relax with breathwork and guided imagery. I had purchased a guided imagery CD somewhere along the road during these travels, maybe in Toronto and maybe before that, and yesterday I finally transfered the CD onto my mother's computer and then onto my ipod.
I tried to go through the CD last night, but I wasn't as present as I was this evening.
The process begins with the breath and then with the intention of releasing tension from my body, starting with my feet and working my way up until I reach my face and my head. This requires an awareness of each part of my body, and then a sense of softening and of letting go. After I have sunk into relaxation in this way, I am taken on a journey within my mind using my imagination to carry me to a special sanctuary, a safe haven.
My safe haven always appears to be the same place, a beautiful meadow of green, extraordinarily soft, even fluffy grass that is surrounded by beautiful evergreen trees and colorful flowers and welcoming plants. The meadow has an oval or round shape, and I am there barefoot and in summer clothing. The sky is blue, the bright, golden sun is shining directly upon me, and the air is warm and comforting. Butterflies and sometimes dragonflies flutter past me and sometimes even land on me gently for a few moments before they opt to continue their journeys. I can hear bird chirping in the background, and I am aware that there are animals all around me. They would never hurt me. In this place, I am totally safe. I am absolutely taken care of. I feel a sense of peace, joy, wonder, excitement, and love here. Love is all around me.
If I become thirsty, suddenly there is a water bottle at my feet. I haven't become hungry there yet, but I'm certain that my favorite berries would appear instantly at the first craving.
When I think about the safe haven I have created, I honestly become a little embarrassed.
It's like some kind of Disney movie set, but I don't care.
This is my special place, and I know that I'm safe there. This is a place without worry or danger.
If I feel like rolling around in the grass, I do it.
If I suddenly feel like twirling and dancing and leaping with glee, I do it. There are no boundaries and there is no shame here. I am happy and healthy and able to leap and dance barefoot without even the slightest hint of concern. I can play here. I can experience complete joy here. Even the air around me feels like a giant hug.
The next part of the journey takes me to my brain and to the pituitary gland just below my brain which creates the natural opiates that my body can use to calm down. I visualize a droplet forming, like a glistening dewdrop of water, right beneath the base of my brain. Once the drop of endorphins is full enough, it is released directly into my bloodstream which then carries these natural particles of well-being throughout my entire body. I am flooded with good feelings, and the opiates gently wash away any pain that my body is holding or experiencing. I then breathe into any areas that still have tension or discomfort. As I breathe in, the areas expand and their colors and their shapes intensify. As I breathe out, the regions shrink back and their shapes soften and whatever color they hold get discharged and cleared. I repeat each deep breath with visualization of expansion and then contraction and release four times.
I clearly need to do this type of intentional relaxation daily in order to allow my body's natural healing process to work properly.
I'm pumping myself full of corticosteroids each day without fail. While I do exercise and stretch and take salt and herbal baths regularly, I don't think I'm doing enough to calm my nerves down.
I acknowledge that my body had already been feeling a lot better before I arrived in Toronto, and then suddenly everything started to feel much worse. My foot started aching again, and then the area around my right hip which was injured during the bicycle accident started to flare up.
This could all be stress induced, and I know that my body has been programmed to heal itself given the right environment.
Let's see if I can utilize more of my time to actively release the tension in my body and to run good feelings through her, and then hopefully I will maintain the presence to witness how my body is responding and changing because of my work.
I'm going to allow my body to get some rest now.
Peace.
I often find myself up until the wee hours of the night, exhausted but awake while stress is coarsing through my body and as plans and hopes and worries rush through my mind.
Tonight I decided to lay down and to intentionally relax with breathwork and guided imagery. I had purchased a guided imagery CD somewhere along the road during these travels, maybe in Toronto and maybe before that, and yesterday I finally transfered the CD onto my mother's computer and then onto my ipod.
I tried to go through the CD last night, but I wasn't as present as I was this evening.
The process begins with the breath and then with the intention of releasing tension from my body, starting with my feet and working my way up until I reach my face and my head. This requires an awareness of each part of my body, and then a sense of softening and of letting go. After I have sunk into relaxation in this way, I am taken on a journey within my mind using my imagination to carry me to a special sanctuary, a safe haven.
My safe haven always appears to be the same place, a beautiful meadow of green, extraordinarily soft, even fluffy grass that is surrounded by beautiful evergreen trees and colorful flowers and welcoming plants. The meadow has an oval or round shape, and I am there barefoot and in summer clothing. The sky is blue, the bright, golden sun is shining directly upon me, and the air is warm and comforting. Butterflies and sometimes dragonflies flutter past me and sometimes even land on me gently for a few moments before they opt to continue their journeys. I can hear bird chirping in the background, and I am aware that there are animals all around me. They would never hurt me. In this place, I am totally safe. I am absolutely taken care of. I feel a sense of peace, joy, wonder, excitement, and love here. Love is all around me.
If I become thirsty, suddenly there is a water bottle at my feet. I haven't become hungry there yet, but I'm certain that my favorite berries would appear instantly at the first craving.
When I think about the safe haven I have created, I honestly become a little embarrassed.
It's like some kind of Disney movie set, but I don't care.
This is my special place, and I know that I'm safe there. This is a place without worry or danger.
If I feel like rolling around in the grass, I do it.
If I suddenly feel like twirling and dancing and leaping with glee, I do it. There are no boundaries and there is no shame here. I am happy and healthy and able to leap and dance barefoot without even the slightest hint of concern. I can play here. I can experience complete joy here. Even the air around me feels like a giant hug.
The next part of the journey takes me to my brain and to the pituitary gland just below my brain which creates the natural opiates that my body can use to calm down. I visualize a droplet forming, like a glistening dewdrop of water, right beneath the base of my brain. Once the drop of endorphins is full enough, it is released directly into my bloodstream which then carries these natural particles of well-being throughout my entire body. I am flooded with good feelings, and the opiates gently wash away any pain that my body is holding or experiencing. I then breathe into any areas that still have tension or discomfort. As I breathe in, the areas expand and their colors and their shapes intensify. As I breathe out, the regions shrink back and their shapes soften and whatever color they hold get discharged and cleared. I repeat each deep breath with visualization of expansion and then contraction and release four times.
I clearly need to do this type of intentional relaxation daily in order to allow my body's natural healing process to work properly.
I'm pumping myself full of corticosteroids each day without fail. While I do exercise and stretch and take salt and herbal baths regularly, I don't think I'm doing enough to calm my nerves down.
I acknowledge that my body had already been feeling a lot better before I arrived in Toronto, and then suddenly everything started to feel much worse. My foot started aching again, and then the area around my right hip which was injured during the bicycle accident started to flare up.
This could all be stress induced, and I know that my body has been programmed to heal itself given the right environment.
Let's see if I can utilize more of my time to actively release the tension in my body and to run good feelings through her, and then hopefully I will maintain the presence to witness how my body is responding and changing because of my work.
I'm going to allow my body to get some rest now.
Peace.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Am I Awake or Asleep?
My reality is so perplexing to me at times that I feel like I'm in some kind of a "B" grade movie.
I'm separated from my husband and my cats due to an immigration mishap, but the situation has actually grown to be far more complicated beyond anything that I could have ever imagined or dreamed of. I've been apart from Michael and my two sweet kitties for about two months now, though the months have felt like years in all honesty. As a result of my temporary deportation, I've been traveling all over N. America from one safe haven to the next. There have been blessings from this unwanted separation, namely the possibility of spending quality time with my dearest friends and with family members whom I rarely get to see. However, this entire journey has been filled with pain and desperation and utter confusion. Maybe of some of that is a blessing as well, but I'm not at a place where I can truly understand how this will all come together to create something better yet.
I hope that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. There has to be. I need there to be a light, and I need it to shine brightly so that I may be guided in this time of darkness.
After two months of separation, and after two long months of processing the feelings that have been stirred up by not only the deportation but by the life experience I've had this past year, I finally was able to at least get clear about one thing: my dedication to my marriage. Things have not been easy, and I have become a person so filled with loss and anger that I'm sometime unrecognizable even to myself. Between the financial hardships and stress and the foot ailment and the horrible treatment which I received and then the move to a foreign country and the nonstop rain and dreariness and then the loss of both my property and my credit, I lost my identity and my joy. I became filled with rage and grief to a point that I've never experienced before. Yes, I had lost my father when I was 25. I was totally devastated by his untimely and sudden death. But that experience was very different from this one. Grief, however debilitating it may be, is not the same as a full-on depression. This was a foreign experience to me, and I became a shell of myself.
I felt a caged animal, in a place that wasn't home and without a support system to help me up.
I was raw, I was enraged, and I took it out on myself and my husband and on our marriage.
To make matters more bizarre, I ended up getting into a pretty awful bicycle accident. Supposedly my handlebars suddenly flipped 180 degrees, and I flew off my bike and landed onto the right side of my head and then onto my right hip. I don't remember the accident at all, and I don't remember getting helped up or speaking with the police. I came to as I was speaking with the emergency crew who were desperately trying to get me to the hospital with them. I'm very lucky that I didn't suffer from a hematoma, especially since no CT scan was ever performed at the hospital. They X-rayed me and told my husband that I didn't have a fracture in my skull. It wasn't until a month later when I finally had to have a CT scan (due to my impending deportation and my need to fly at altitude coupled with my persistent sinus symptoms) that we found out that I did in fact fracture my skull. Had I known that when I was in the hospital, I would have never chosen to leave 24 hours earlier than what the doctors recommended. 48 hours in a hospital room with 2 other patients wasn't exactly a great place to rest, and rest is what I felt I needed most. But I knew that there was a risk of developing a hematoma, but the risk seemed minimal if there wasn't a fracture and if I was well after 24 hours of surveillance.
After that biking accident, I had such a horrible headache all of the time, I suffered from an excruciating migraine which I didn't realize was coming on because my head hurt all the time anyway, my vision and hearing were off for at least a month, my sinuses felt like they were filled with fluid though they weren't, and even my memory was noticeably different. My preferences in taste changed temporarily, all kinds of light felt blinding to me, and the right side of my body near my hip was swollen and sore and even still feels off deep into my core.
And then as I was trying to heal and to treat my body well and to rest, I found out that we had missed the mark with my immigration documents. I wonder why we never spoke with an immigration attorney, and I do wonder if maybe an attorney could have helped me. But I wanted to leave Austria anyway, I wanted to leave the rain and the miserable life experience that I had there, and I was told that there was nothing that anyone could do since I missed the 3 month deadline. My application for residency was supposed to be turned in within 3 months of my entrance into Austria, but Michael thought I had 6 months in which to get my paperwork in. Since everything was in German and since the immigration office in Feldkirch was merely 10 minutes from where we were living, Michael was in charge of my immigration process and with speaking to the people in charge. This process was supposedly much easier than procuring a Green card in the U.S., and we did that successfully! I think that this must have been the first time that I never bothered him or followed up with him about something that he was responsible for, and sadly things went very wrong. I was informed that once a person misses the deadline, the application must be submitted from outside of the EU. I still haven't heard a word from immigration, but I will be able to re-enter the EU as a tourist by the end of November.
Initially, the error that was made infuriated me. I felt so disappointed and exasperated and even turbulent.
All of a sudden I became homeless along with jobless, and even more dependent than before.
I questioned everything about my life, especially my marriage and what we were attracting into our lives.
Was all this suffering the result of us being together? Maybe we just weren't right for each other, and life was letting us know?
I don't think that anymore. I know how we met, how magical it was, and how much love and happiness I felt.
I think that the stress and the pain and the anger have gotten in the way of our marriage.
We didn't have a fair shot, and I want one.
I want myself back, and I want my marriage back.
More than anything, I want to be with my husband and my cats.
Then suddenly, just a short while after I became clear within myself, Michael told me that his parents don't want us to be together. I know that they want to protect him, but this energy cannot possibly do anything but create more pain, more complexity, and more stress to our lives. A part of me feels so much hurt and so much resentment, that I cannot even possibly imagine setting my foot into these people's home again. How can I do that and maintain any level of self-respect? Yet everything I want is currently there-my husband, my cats, and everything material that I have left aside from what's in my suitcase. I don't care about the furniture anymore, but I love my art and my collection of rocks and crystals and alter pieces.
This can't be right, and this can't continue.
As I continue to question what is real and what dreams I have in my heart, I must do so within the context of all that is actually happening in my world. I want to be with Michael. I want to be with my cats. I want to create an life completely independent of Michael's family, yet I also want to live a life in harmony with his family and with the world at large. There must be a way to heal the hurt, to forgive the errors that have been made by all parties involved, to move forward as a family, to build a new life with my husband and with my cats, and to live our lives in such a way that is congruent with our hearts.
Am I awake, or am I asleep? If I'm asleep, may I please wake up so that I may see the Way and trust in Love and in my heart. May I please see what's real, what's truly important, and how I may change and create peace and joy versus so much pain and confusion.
What is my dream? How can I get there? How can I get there through and for the good of all?
What is Michael's dream? Is he awake or asleep?
Please let there be a light, and let that light shine on me.
I'm separated from my husband and my cats due to an immigration mishap, but the situation has actually grown to be far more complicated beyond anything that I could have ever imagined or dreamed of. I've been apart from Michael and my two sweet kitties for about two months now, though the months have felt like years in all honesty. As a result of my temporary deportation, I've been traveling all over N. America from one safe haven to the next. There have been blessings from this unwanted separation, namely the possibility of spending quality time with my dearest friends and with family members whom I rarely get to see. However, this entire journey has been filled with pain and desperation and utter confusion. Maybe of some of that is a blessing as well, but I'm not at a place where I can truly understand how this will all come together to create something better yet.
I hope that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. There has to be. I need there to be a light, and I need it to shine brightly so that I may be guided in this time of darkness.
After two months of separation, and after two long months of processing the feelings that have been stirred up by not only the deportation but by the life experience I've had this past year, I finally was able to at least get clear about one thing: my dedication to my marriage. Things have not been easy, and I have become a person so filled with loss and anger that I'm sometime unrecognizable even to myself. Between the financial hardships and stress and the foot ailment and the horrible treatment which I received and then the move to a foreign country and the nonstop rain and dreariness and then the loss of both my property and my credit, I lost my identity and my joy. I became filled with rage and grief to a point that I've never experienced before. Yes, I had lost my father when I was 25. I was totally devastated by his untimely and sudden death. But that experience was very different from this one. Grief, however debilitating it may be, is not the same as a full-on depression. This was a foreign experience to me, and I became a shell of myself.
I felt a caged animal, in a place that wasn't home and without a support system to help me up.
I was raw, I was enraged, and I took it out on myself and my husband and on our marriage.
To make matters more bizarre, I ended up getting into a pretty awful bicycle accident. Supposedly my handlebars suddenly flipped 180 degrees, and I flew off my bike and landed onto the right side of my head and then onto my right hip. I don't remember the accident at all, and I don't remember getting helped up or speaking with the police. I came to as I was speaking with the emergency crew who were desperately trying to get me to the hospital with them. I'm very lucky that I didn't suffer from a hematoma, especially since no CT scan was ever performed at the hospital. They X-rayed me and told my husband that I didn't have a fracture in my skull. It wasn't until a month later when I finally had to have a CT scan (due to my impending deportation and my need to fly at altitude coupled with my persistent sinus symptoms) that we found out that I did in fact fracture my skull. Had I known that when I was in the hospital, I would have never chosen to leave 24 hours earlier than what the doctors recommended. 48 hours in a hospital room with 2 other patients wasn't exactly a great place to rest, and rest is what I felt I needed most. But I knew that there was a risk of developing a hematoma, but the risk seemed minimal if there wasn't a fracture and if I was well after 24 hours of surveillance.
After that biking accident, I had such a horrible headache all of the time, I suffered from an excruciating migraine which I didn't realize was coming on because my head hurt all the time anyway, my vision and hearing were off for at least a month, my sinuses felt like they were filled with fluid though they weren't, and even my memory was noticeably different. My preferences in taste changed temporarily, all kinds of light felt blinding to me, and the right side of my body near my hip was swollen and sore and even still feels off deep into my core.
And then as I was trying to heal and to treat my body well and to rest, I found out that we had missed the mark with my immigration documents. I wonder why we never spoke with an immigration attorney, and I do wonder if maybe an attorney could have helped me. But I wanted to leave Austria anyway, I wanted to leave the rain and the miserable life experience that I had there, and I was told that there was nothing that anyone could do since I missed the 3 month deadline. My application for residency was supposed to be turned in within 3 months of my entrance into Austria, but Michael thought I had 6 months in which to get my paperwork in. Since everything was in German and since the immigration office in Feldkirch was merely 10 minutes from where we were living, Michael was in charge of my immigration process and with speaking to the people in charge. This process was supposedly much easier than procuring a Green card in the U.S., and we did that successfully! I think that this must have been the first time that I never bothered him or followed up with him about something that he was responsible for, and sadly things went very wrong. I was informed that once a person misses the deadline, the application must be submitted from outside of the EU. I still haven't heard a word from immigration, but I will be able to re-enter the EU as a tourist by the end of November.
Initially, the error that was made infuriated me. I felt so disappointed and exasperated and even turbulent.
All of a sudden I became homeless along with jobless, and even more dependent than before.
I questioned everything about my life, especially my marriage and what we were attracting into our lives.
Was all this suffering the result of us being together? Maybe we just weren't right for each other, and life was letting us know?
I don't think that anymore. I know how we met, how magical it was, and how much love and happiness I felt.
I think that the stress and the pain and the anger have gotten in the way of our marriage.
We didn't have a fair shot, and I want one.
I want myself back, and I want my marriage back.
More than anything, I want to be with my husband and my cats.
Then suddenly, just a short while after I became clear within myself, Michael told me that his parents don't want us to be together. I know that they want to protect him, but this energy cannot possibly do anything but create more pain, more complexity, and more stress to our lives. A part of me feels so much hurt and so much resentment, that I cannot even possibly imagine setting my foot into these people's home again. How can I do that and maintain any level of self-respect? Yet everything I want is currently there-my husband, my cats, and everything material that I have left aside from what's in my suitcase. I don't care about the furniture anymore, but I love my art and my collection of rocks and crystals and alter pieces.
This can't be right, and this can't continue.
As I continue to question what is real and what dreams I have in my heart, I must do so within the context of all that is actually happening in my world. I want to be with Michael. I want to be with my cats. I want to create an life completely independent of Michael's family, yet I also want to live a life in harmony with his family and with the world at large. There must be a way to heal the hurt, to forgive the errors that have been made by all parties involved, to move forward as a family, to build a new life with my husband and with my cats, and to live our lives in such a way that is congruent with our hearts.
Am I awake, or am I asleep? If I'm asleep, may I please wake up so that I may see the Way and trust in Love and in my heart. May I please see what's real, what's truly important, and how I may change and create peace and joy versus so much pain and confusion.
What is my dream? How can I get there? How can I get there through and for the good of all?
What is Michael's dream? Is he awake or asleep?
Please let there be a light, and let that light shine on me.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
The Intersphere
I am always amazed by the opportunities that are actually available to each of us, yet many would never
even be discovered, at least certainly not by me, without the the use of the marvelous "intersphere"!
This evening I discovered this site: http://wwoof.org/ , which lead to another site, http://www.wwoof.at/de/hoefe/vorarlberg-9.html , which then led to this additional site: http://www.wwoofcostarica.org/.
Essentially, this type of live-work situation could provide me with an opportunity to receive hands on education regarding organic & sustainable farming, and even perhaps further education in Permaculture & alternative energy and building, without having to spend hardly any money whatsoever.
This is beautiful.
I have to take another look at these sites and then contemplate if perhaps I'd be willing to do some intense work this Spring in order to educate myself in these areas.
I have posed the question, "what is most important to me?", and clearly I cannot only come up with one answer. Many things are deeply important to me including my marriage and my relationships in general, my health and my ability to receive appropriate physical therapy with the hope of healing my foot, and then of course there's my desire to live my life in accordance with my ideals. But what exactly does that mean, and is that even something that is 100% achievable for a person living within a modern, N. American or Central European society?
The thing that I need to remember is that I am and will always be a human being, flawed and always somewhat discordant with my own ultimate standard of perfection. I just need to accept that to begin with so that I can allow myself to figure out how I can best live my life in balance. I know that I can give more, and I need to find a path of giving that also fills me up.
The fact that I am a human being should in no way discourage me from trying. The ideals shouldn't be used to judge of punish myself for my imperfections.
Enough about ideals. This is just silly.
What do I value most?
Since I was 16 years old, I have been an avid supporter of sustainable &/or organic and ecologically-minded farms. Food is a fundamental aspect of Life, and the manner in which food is cultivated, grown, harvested, and dispersed has an enormous impact on the environment, on the health of our communities, and on the health of individuals within our communities. I might get into the nitty gritty details down the road, but suffice to say that this has been one of my passions in Life. Furthermore, food that is grown with the highest level of integrity is the best tasting and the most nutritious food for one's body. The best restaurants in every city that I've been to have used the highest quality, natural, locally produced, fresh ingredients in their cooking.
I love the feeling of supporting a local, independently owned restaurant whom I know supports local, sustainable, & ecologically friendly farms. The food is then as fresh as possible, it's generally exactly the kind of food one ought to ingest during that particular season, the energy and resources to transport the food to the public is conserved, and the money that is spent stays within one's local community. The farmers that I am supporting obviously care deeply about their local environment and also about their local communities.
Again, this is beautiful.
It makes so much sense to me that I should learn how to become more self-sufficient in this regard, and I would like to do so in a way that is in harmony with the environment in which I'm living.
I've actually already purchased books on Permaculture and on organic farming/gardening practices.
But in truth, I think I'm more of a hands on learner. I have very little gardening experience, though I once did
have an organic garden when I lived in Marin County. But the soil on my property was mostly silt, and that type of soil didn't readily allow my plants to grow very large. I was able to successfully grow organic tomatoes, lettuces, some berries, and a slew of other vegetables. The lettuces grew the best. Everything else
seemed a bit small.
I'm going to go ahead and sleep on this and continue to process tomorrow.
Goodnight.
even be discovered, at least certainly not by me, without the the use of the marvelous "intersphere"!
This evening I discovered this site: http://wwoof.org/ , which lead to another site, http://www.wwoof.at/de/hoefe/vorarlberg-9.html , which then led to this additional site: http://www.wwoofcostarica.org/.
Essentially, this type of live-work situation could provide me with an opportunity to receive hands on education regarding organic & sustainable farming, and even perhaps further education in Permaculture & alternative energy and building, without having to spend hardly any money whatsoever.
This is beautiful.
I have to take another look at these sites and then contemplate if perhaps I'd be willing to do some intense work this Spring in order to educate myself in these areas.
I have posed the question, "what is most important to me?", and clearly I cannot only come up with one answer. Many things are deeply important to me including my marriage and my relationships in general, my health and my ability to receive appropriate physical therapy with the hope of healing my foot, and then of course there's my desire to live my life in accordance with my ideals. But what exactly does that mean, and is that even something that is 100% achievable for a person living within a modern, N. American or Central European society?
The thing that I need to remember is that I am and will always be a human being, flawed and always somewhat discordant with my own ultimate standard of perfection. I just need to accept that to begin with so that I can allow myself to figure out how I can best live my life in balance. I know that I can give more, and I need to find a path of giving that also fills me up.
The fact that I am a human being should in no way discourage me from trying. The ideals shouldn't be used to judge of punish myself for my imperfections.
Enough about ideals. This is just silly.
What do I value most?
Since I was 16 years old, I have been an avid supporter of sustainable &/or organic and ecologically-minded farms. Food is a fundamental aspect of Life, and the manner in which food is cultivated, grown, harvested, and dispersed has an enormous impact on the environment, on the health of our communities, and on the health of individuals within our communities. I might get into the nitty gritty details down the road, but suffice to say that this has been one of my passions in Life. Furthermore, food that is grown with the highest level of integrity is the best tasting and the most nutritious food for one's body. The best restaurants in every city that I've been to have used the highest quality, natural, locally produced, fresh ingredients in their cooking.
I love the feeling of supporting a local, independently owned restaurant whom I know supports local, sustainable, & ecologically friendly farms. The food is then as fresh as possible, it's generally exactly the kind of food one ought to ingest during that particular season, the energy and resources to transport the food to the public is conserved, and the money that is spent stays within one's local community. The farmers that I am supporting obviously care deeply about their local environment and also about their local communities.
Again, this is beautiful.
It makes so much sense to me that I should learn how to become more self-sufficient in this regard, and I would like to do so in a way that is in harmony with the environment in which I'm living.
I've actually already purchased books on Permaculture and on organic farming/gardening practices.
But in truth, I think I'm more of a hands on learner. I have very little gardening experience, though I once did
have an organic garden when I lived in Marin County. But the soil on my property was mostly silt, and that type of soil didn't readily allow my plants to grow very large. I was able to successfully grow organic tomatoes, lettuces, some berries, and a slew of other vegetables. The lettuces grew the best. Everything else
seemed a bit small.
I'm going to go ahead and sleep on this and continue to process tomorrow.
Goodnight.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
The Invitation
I'll begin my own blogging process by sharing a couple of quotes that are really speaking to me right now:
"If we are always arriving and departing, it is also true that we are eternally anchored. One's destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things."
Henry Miller
"What distinguishes the majority of men from the few is their ability to act according to their beliefs."
Henry Miller
I have gone through a very bizarre, tumultuous year. Actually, this process has been unfolding for more than a year now. I'm just having a hard time remembering the exact start of this phase of Life.
I'll go back through time and explain the variety of experiences I have had, but I'll do so in increments. And I will begin my descriptions on a different day.
What I do need to express now is that I'm yet again awake at 2 in the morning in Toronto in my uncle and aunt's house in Thornhill, Ontario, a suburb of Toronto, and I'm yet again pondering about what matters most to me and how I want to live out the rest of my life. I admit that these days I sometimes feel like I'm going a little mad. My friends would mock me now and tell me that that happened a long, long time ago.
But no, I'm really feeling like I'm going a bit mad, and it's different feeling than any other feeling I've ever had before.
It's similar, but this is definitely something new.
I'm honestly totally confused.
But there's nothing really confusing about what I'm confused about.
See?
But here's the thing: I want to live a life that contributes to the qualities and values that are most meaningful to me. I value love, peace, freedom, the equal rights of all human beings, the interconnectedness of all beings and of everything in Life, music, dancing, the rights of human beings to gather and to co-create intentionally and consciously and to celebrate and honor our interconnectedness, the beauty and the sanctity of Nature and of Wilderness and of Wildlife. I could go on and on, but I think I have made my point clear as day.
What I value most literally is the opposition of the system which I help to perpetuate.
It's always been this way. But I've found ways to deny it. I can easily get caught up in pleasure, in fashion, fancy cars, in comfort, in luxury. And when that doesn't work, I can easily get distracted or numbed by other means.
However, right at this moment in time I'm confronted with a new existential crisis.
At times I'm crystal clear that what I need is financial security and stability, that that will make me feel safe. And that safety will make me calm. That calmness will lead to peace and prosperity and a happy family, and on and on it goes.
Now I'm suddenly questioning how I could ever feel safe perpetuating a system of violence and tyranny, a system that benefits the most selfish and unethical people on the planet. Who is safe in the world if so many of us are starving and lack shelter and safe drinking water? Who is safe in a world where children are being killed or maimed for no reason aside from the fact that they happened to be born in a country where war is being waged? We are on the brink of something huge, some kind of monumental environmental disaster.
Maybe I'm wrong, but my body senses something big is happening. And when I think about how much toxic waste is dumped into our oceans, how much pollution is in our groundwater and our air, when I think about how many trees or acres of wilderness or acres of tropical rainforests are being destroyed, this feeling in my body makes sense to me. We humans are destroying our planet, we are killing each other, and ultimately we are living in disrespect of this beautiful gift we call Life.
And I have totally bought into the lie. I am as much to blame as anyone else for the perpetuation of this unwholesome system.
<sigh>
So, here I am typing away on my laptop while sitting on a bed inside a fully heated 3-story house in suburban Canada with the latest copy of "The Economist" on one side and a crappy Samsung cellphone to my left.
What is happening to me? And what do I do about it?
These are not useless or stupid thoughts. As far as I know, I have one life. This is my moment, and what in the world am I doing with it?
How can I best serve Life? How can I serve? How can I help?
I believe that we human beings need to shift out of this paradigm. But I am a human. When and how can I shift?
On my way here to Toronto, I spent 5 hours on a Virgin America flight.
I don't normally write, but I literally spent the entire flight pouring my heart out into my journal after eating my incredibly large salad and sipping my in-flight bloody mary.
This is what I wrote:
The Earth Shall Be Left for No One
How can I truly and fully live life now while my rational mind is so
shaken, while my heart’s fire has been so dampened?
I have been generating pain & loss despite my will.
I have been creating & manifesting only more damage despite my love.
This moment, this beautiful & precious gift with which I have been
blessed, is a divine expression of cosmos & of unity.
In this moment & within every moment we all contribute to creation
willingly & intentionally or unwillingly & from the depths of our
unconscious.
I have been born into a realm of conflict, yet I yearn for peace.
Nothing seems easy.
I’m trying to flow with the river of Life, but I’m constantly tripped
up or thwarted by a power much, much larger than me.
I’m tired of fighting for what I want.
I’m tired of exerting my will & getting smacked down despite my best
efforts & greatest intentions.
Now, more than any other time since I was born into this realm, I feel
utterly humbled but also shaken & lost.
I have lost all of my material security.
I am struggling with physical strife.
I question love & marriage & if my union is unintentionally
contributing to this chaos.
I am uncomfortable.
I’m unsettled, constantly moving from one physical location on the
planet to another seeking a temporary shelter, a safe haven in which I
can ride out this storm & upheaval.
And now I am experiencing such an intense degree of anguish knowing
that it’s not over.
I will continue to be separated from my husband & will have to
eventually return to a land that doesn’t want to shelter me.
I am supposed to be uncomfortable, & I am supposed to be pushed, & and
I supposed to struggle.
Why?
I have so much love in my heart, so much compassion. I had so much to
give…or so I thought.
What is this Life asking of me?
I ask the questions each day.
I bare my soul to this Life & beg for direction.
I am but one tiny human being in a GREAT BIG COSMIC SOUP.
I know that I am a blessed being already, even despite this.
The being which believes that she is Natalie & that she is real does
not want to contribute to the generation of pain & loss & wants to
find freedom.
What is freedom?
“God permeates the whole wide world,
Yet his truth is revealed to none.
You better seek him in yourself,
You and He aren’t apart – you’re one
Come, let us all be friends for once,
Let us make life easy on us,
Let us be lovers and loved ones,
The earth shall be left to no one.”
~Yunus Emre, Sufi Poet
I believe that we are stars.
I know that we are vibrantly shimmering our essence,
shimmering our creation
in this realm.
Yet I seem to be incapable of manifesting my desires.
I’ve tried utilizing my will. I’ve tried utilizing my mind.
I’ve tried to reach out to Life, to the Universe, to my brothers &
sisters in the sky, sparkling & twinkling & batting their stardust
lashes at me.
I continue to reach out for guidance & inspiration.
I want to learn,
and to grow,
and to do whatever
I need to do in order to bring more
peace & love & fairness & goodness to this realm.
I want to shine brightly with my brothers & sisters.
I want to be a vehicle of light & love.
What shall I do & where shall I go so that I may best serve Life?
And how in the midst of so much discomfort, & while I’m so lost in the woods,
shall I find a way to manifest peace, love, gratitude, compassion, & joy?
I’m alive.
This moment is still for me & for us all.
This moment is still precious, & I don’t want to live a wasted life.
Remains
I rose early, earlier than the sun & before the raucous flurry of the
birds in the Mendocino hills.
I was wide awake with burning & grief, the loss of physical contact
was too much to bare.
I lay awake all night despite physical fatigue just trying to find
some kind of connection to my beloved.
Could he feel me across the ocean & across the land?
Could his soul feel mine as I was seeking him out?
I rose & let the warm water of the outdoor shower wash over me.
I soaked in the tub & watched the sky change & become filled with color.
I dried off, wrapped myself up in clothing, & fell into a velvety poof
on the edge of a hill.
The birds awakened with a festive intensity, & hummingbirds zipped
overhead between their feedings.
I lay there, curled up in the poof, absorbing the beauty of Life & the
vividness of it all-colors, movement, layers of sound.
I am here.
I see Life.
I feel Life.
I love Life.
Tears stream down my cheeks as I watch & take it all in.
More than anything, I want to share this experience with my beloved.
I want to lay in his arms, my head upon his chest, while we share this
moment of Life together.
I have no idea why I must continue this part of my journey apart from
him, but this separation confuses my mind & my heart.
No matter how hard we try, Life is pulling us apart.
Yet no matter how much pull is exerted upon us, no matter how much
pain we feel,
no matter how much confusion is experienced,
our love for each other remains.
Our souls, our bodies-they know.
I will endure discomfort, & I will struggle through displacement.
I will travel across foreign lands, & I will even go back to the one
place that broke my spirit once before
in the hopes of being with him yet again.
I would do anything for the chance of building a new life with him.
Please, God, just provide us the opportunity to build a beautiful life together.
PLEASE.
Everything material has been lost. My identity & purpose are in question.
But my love remains,
& I want him.
I want him.
I wrote those pieces in that exact order.
I think I'm done writing for now.
Let's see if my dreams lead me to any new conclusions. Hopefully I'll have the capacity to keep writing
through this part of my process. It's very healthy for me to be able to express my thoughts and my feelings without worrying about a response. I'm just openly expressing, emoting.
Goodnight.
"If we are always arriving and departing, it is also true that we are eternally anchored. One's destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things."
Henry Miller
"What distinguishes the majority of men from the few is their ability to act according to their beliefs."
Henry Miller
I have gone through a very bizarre, tumultuous year. Actually, this process has been unfolding for more than a year now. I'm just having a hard time remembering the exact start of this phase of Life.
I'll go back through time and explain the variety of experiences I have had, but I'll do so in increments. And I will begin my descriptions on a different day.
What I do need to express now is that I'm yet again awake at 2 in the morning in Toronto in my uncle and aunt's house in Thornhill, Ontario, a suburb of Toronto, and I'm yet again pondering about what matters most to me and how I want to live out the rest of my life. I admit that these days I sometimes feel like I'm going a little mad. My friends would mock me now and tell me that that happened a long, long time ago.
But no, I'm really feeling like I'm going a bit mad, and it's different feeling than any other feeling I've ever had before.
It's similar, but this is definitely something new.
I'm honestly totally confused.
But there's nothing really confusing about what I'm confused about.
See?
But here's the thing: I want to live a life that contributes to the qualities and values that are most meaningful to me. I value love, peace, freedom, the equal rights of all human beings, the interconnectedness of all beings and of everything in Life, music, dancing, the rights of human beings to gather and to co-create intentionally and consciously and to celebrate and honor our interconnectedness, the beauty and the sanctity of Nature and of Wilderness and of Wildlife. I could go on and on, but I think I have made my point clear as day.
What I value most literally is the opposition of the system which I help to perpetuate.
It's always been this way. But I've found ways to deny it. I can easily get caught up in pleasure, in fashion, fancy cars, in comfort, in luxury. And when that doesn't work, I can easily get distracted or numbed by other means.
However, right at this moment in time I'm confronted with a new existential crisis.
At times I'm crystal clear that what I need is financial security and stability, that that will make me feel safe. And that safety will make me calm. That calmness will lead to peace and prosperity and a happy family, and on and on it goes.
Now I'm suddenly questioning how I could ever feel safe perpetuating a system of violence and tyranny, a system that benefits the most selfish and unethical people on the planet. Who is safe in the world if so many of us are starving and lack shelter and safe drinking water? Who is safe in a world where children are being killed or maimed for no reason aside from the fact that they happened to be born in a country where war is being waged? We are on the brink of something huge, some kind of monumental environmental disaster.
Maybe I'm wrong, but my body senses something big is happening. And when I think about how much toxic waste is dumped into our oceans, how much pollution is in our groundwater and our air, when I think about how many trees or acres of wilderness or acres of tropical rainforests are being destroyed, this feeling in my body makes sense to me. We humans are destroying our planet, we are killing each other, and ultimately we are living in disrespect of this beautiful gift we call Life.
And I have totally bought into the lie. I am as much to blame as anyone else for the perpetuation of this unwholesome system.
<sigh>
So, here I am typing away on my laptop while sitting on a bed inside a fully heated 3-story house in suburban Canada with the latest copy of "The Economist" on one side and a crappy Samsung cellphone to my left.
What is happening to me? And what do I do about it?
These are not useless or stupid thoughts. As far as I know, I have one life. This is my moment, and what in the world am I doing with it?
How can I best serve Life? How can I serve? How can I help?
I believe that we human beings need to shift out of this paradigm. But I am a human. When and how can I shift?
On my way here to Toronto, I spent 5 hours on a Virgin America flight.
I don't normally write, but I literally spent the entire flight pouring my heart out into my journal after eating my incredibly large salad and sipping my in-flight bloody mary.
This is what I wrote:
The Earth Shall Be Left for No One
How can I truly and fully live life now while my rational mind is so
shaken, while my heart’s fire has been so dampened?
I have been generating pain & loss despite my will.
I have been creating & manifesting only more damage despite my love.
This moment, this beautiful & precious gift with which I have been
blessed, is a divine expression of cosmos & of unity.
In this moment & within every moment we all contribute to creation
willingly & intentionally or unwillingly & from the depths of our
unconscious.
I have been born into a realm of conflict, yet I yearn for peace.
Nothing seems easy.
I’m trying to flow with the river of Life, but I’m constantly tripped
up or thwarted by a power much, much larger than me.
I’m tired of fighting for what I want.
I’m tired of exerting my will & getting smacked down despite my best
efforts & greatest intentions.
Now, more than any other time since I was born into this realm, I feel
utterly humbled but also shaken & lost.
I have lost all of my material security.
I am struggling with physical strife.
I question love & marriage & if my union is unintentionally
contributing to this chaos.
I am uncomfortable.
I’m unsettled, constantly moving from one physical location on the
planet to another seeking a temporary shelter, a safe haven in which I
can ride out this storm & upheaval.
And now I am experiencing such an intense degree of anguish knowing
that it’s not over.
I will continue to be separated from my husband & will have to
eventually return to a land that doesn’t want to shelter me.
I am supposed to be uncomfortable, & I am supposed to be pushed, & and
I supposed to struggle.
Why?
I have so much love in my heart, so much compassion. I had so much to
give…or so I thought.
What is this Life asking of me?
I ask the questions each day.
I bare my soul to this Life & beg for direction.
I am but one tiny human being in a GREAT BIG COSMIC SOUP.
I know that I am a blessed being already, even despite this.
The being which believes that she is Natalie & that she is real does
not want to contribute to the generation of pain & loss & wants to
find freedom.
What is freedom?
“God permeates the whole wide world,
Yet his truth is revealed to none.
You better seek him in yourself,
You and He aren’t apart – you’re one
Come, let us all be friends for once,
Let us make life easy on us,
Let us be lovers and loved ones,
The earth shall be left to no one.”
~Yunus Emre, Sufi Poet
I believe that we are stars.
I know that we are vibrantly shimmering our essence,
shimmering our creation
in this realm.
Yet I seem to be incapable of manifesting my desires.
I’ve tried utilizing my will. I’ve tried utilizing my mind.
I’ve tried to reach out to Life, to the Universe, to my brothers &
sisters in the sky, sparkling & twinkling & batting their stardust
lashes at me.
I continue to reach out for guidance & inspiration.
I want to learn,
and to grow,
and to do whatever
I need to do in order to bring more
peace & love & fairness & goodness to this realm.
I want to shine brightly with my brothers & sisters.
I want to be a vehicle of light & love.
What shall I do & where shall I go so that I may best serve Life?
And how in the midst of so much discomfort, & while I’m so lost in the woods,
shall I find a way to manifest peace, love, gratitude, compassion, & joy?
I’m alive.
This moment is still for me & for us all.
This moment is still precious, & I don’t want to live a wasted life.
Remains
I rose early, earlier than the sun & before the raucous flurry of the
birds in the Mendocino hills.
I was wide awake with burning & grief, the loss of physical contact
was too much to bare.
I lay awake all night despite physical fatigue just trying to find
some kind of connection to my beloved.
Could he feel me across the ocean & across the land?
Could his soul feel mine as I was seeking him out?
I rose & let the warm water of the outdoor shower wash over me.
I soaked in the tub & watched the sky change & become filled with color.
I dried off, wrapped myself up in clothing, & fell into a velvety poof
on the edge of a hill.
The birds awakened with a festive intensity, & hummingbirds zipped
overhead between their feedings.
I lay there, curled up in the poof, absorbing the beauty of Life & the
vividness of it all-colors, movement, layers of sound.
I am here.
I see Life.
I feel Life.
I love Life.
Tears stream down my cheeks as I watch & take it all in.
More than anything, I want to share this experience with my beloved.
I want to lay in his arms, my head upon his chest, while we share this
moment of Life together.
I have no idea why I must continue this part of my journey apart from
him, but this separation confuses my mind & my heart.
No matter how hard we try, Life is pulling us apart.
Yet no matter how much pull is exerted upon us, no matter how much
pain we feel,
no matter how much confusion is experienced,
our love for each other remains.
Our souls, our bodies-they know.
I will endure discomfort, & I will struggle through displacement.
I will travel across foreign lands, & I will even go back to the one
place that broke my spirit once before
in the hopes of being with him yet again.
I would do anything for the chance of building a new life with him.
Please, God, just provide us the opportunity to build a beautiful life together.
PLEASE.
Everything material has been lost. My identity & purpose are in question.
But my love remains,
& I want him.
I want him.
I wrote those pieces in that exact order.
I think I'm done writing for now.
Let's see if my dreams lead me to any new conclusions. Hopefully I'll have the capacity to keep writing
through this part of my process. It's very healthy for me to be able to express my thoughts and my feelings without worrying about a response. I'm just openly expressing, emoting.
Goodnight.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)