I'll begin my own blogging process by sharing a couple of quotes that are really speaking to me right now:
"If we are always arriving and departing, it is also true that we are eternally anchored. One's destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things."
"What distinguishes the majority of men from the few is their ability to act according to their beliefs."
I have gone through a very bizarre, tumultuous year. Actually, this process has been unfolding for more than a year now. I'm just having a hard time remembering the exact start of this phase of Life.
I'll go back through time and explain the variety of experiences I have had, but I'll do so in increments. And I will begin my descriptions on a different day.
What I do need to express now is that I'm yet again awake at 2 in the morning in Toronto in my uncle and aunt's house in Thornhill, Ontario, a suburb of Toronto, and I'm yet again pondering about what matters most to me and how I want to live out the rest of my life. I admit that these days I sometimes feel like I'm going a little mad. My friends would mock me now and tell me that that happened a long, long time ago.
But no, I'm really feeling like I'm going a bit mad, and it's different feeling than any other feeling I've ever had before.
It's similar, but this is definitely something new.
I'm honestly totally confused.
But there's nothing really confusing about what I'm confused about.
But here's the thing: I want to live a life that contributes to the qualities and values that are most meaningful to me. I value love, peace, freedom, the equal rights of all human beings, the interconnectedness of all beings and of everything in Life, music, dancing, the rights of human beings to gather and to co-create intentionally and consciously and to celebrate and honor our interconnectedness, the beauty and the sanctity of Nature and of Wilderness and of Wildlife. I could go on and on, but I think I have made my point clear as day.
What I value most literally is the opposition of the system which I help to perpetuate.
It's always been this way. But I've found ways to deny it. I can easily get caught up in pleasure, in fashion, fancy cars, in comfort, in luxury. And when that doesn't work, I can easily get distracted or numbed by other means.
However, right at this moment in time I'm confronted with a new existential crisis.
At times I'm crystal clear that what I need is financial security and stability, that that will make me feel safe. And that safety will make me calm. That calmness will lead to peace and prosperity and a happy family, and on and on it goes.
Now I'm suddenly questioning how I could ever feel safe perpetuating a system of violence and tyranny, a system that benefits the most selfish and unethical people on the planet. Who is safe in the world if so many of us are starving and lack shelter and safe drinking water? Who is safe in a world where children are being killed or maimed for no reason aside from the fact that they happened to be born in a country where war is being waged? We are on the brink of something huge, some kind of monumental environmental disaster.
Maybe I'm wrong, but my body senses something big is happening. And when I think about how much toxic waste is dumped into our oceans, how much pollution is in our groundwater and our air, when I think about how many trees or acres of wilderness or acres of tropical rainforests are being destroyed, this feeling in my body makes sense to me. We humans are destroying our planet, we are killing each other, and ultimately we are living in disrespect of this beautiful gift we call Life.
And I have totally bought into the lie. I am as much to blame as anyone else for the perpetuation of this unwholesome system.
So, here I am typing away on my laptop while sitting on a bed inside a fully heated 3-story house in suburban Canada with the latest copy of "The Economist" on one side and a crappy Samsung cellphone to my left.
What is happening to me? And what do I do about it?
These are not useless or stupid thoughts. As far as I know, I have one life. This is my moment, and what in the world am I doing with it?
How can I best serve Life? How can I serve? How can I help?
I believe that we human beings need to shift out of this paradigm. But I am a human. When and how can I shift?
On my way here to Toronto, I spent 5 hours on a Virgin America flight.
I don't normally write, but I literally spent the entire flight pouring my heart out into my journal after eating my incredibly large salad and sipping my in-flight bloody mary.
This is what I wrote: