Time Well Spent

Today's date is November 9th, 2010.  I've been separated from Michael, my husband, for more than two months now.  I still haven't acquired Austrian residency, though the immigration offices have requested Michael's physical presence at their office in Feldkirch either this week or next.  I'm assuming that this means that I'm close to receiving my residency card, but then again I should never assume anything until it actually transpires.  I really ought to know better by now.

Then again, Michael may have an employment opportunity in Oakland. If it were to work out, he could be working in the Bay Area by December 1st.  So it would make sense that I'd *finally* obtain this prestigious right of residency exactly when I'd never actually have to return to the land of Vorarlberg as a resident! Also I'd like to point out that I recently had to change my flight back to Europe because I didn't yet have the right to re-enter the European Union a couple of weeks ago, which is when I originally thought that these immigration issues would be resolved.  I had to pay five hundred dollars to make the change my flight schedule, and my new flight from San Francisco to Zurich is scheduled for......drum roll, please.....December 1st.  I chose that date because I can actually enter into the EU as a tourist by then.  <Sigh>

Anyway, with the way that things have been going it would only make sense that Michael would actually get a fabulous job in the Bay Area at precisely the time that I can finally return to the EU to be with him. Ha! Of course I'll get that residency card just as soon as he brings his cute self and my two little felines back to San Francisco. To top it off, literally everything I own is currently situated in Feldkirch, Austria in Michael's parents' family home.  I had shipped everything there because I wanted the transition to be successful (which it wasn't), and I thought that having my furniture and my art with me would make me feel more at home in a foreign place.  As a result, I don't even have one plate nor a single glass in San Francisco anymore.  Don't get me wrong.  I *want* him to get this job!  I really want him to get it! We can figure out how to make it all work, and I'm certain of that.  However the irony of it all if just beyond words.

May Life please bless us with this incredible employment opportunity and with more than enough income to pull us out of debt quickly and to build up our savings and to lead to even more wonderful employment opportunities down the road.

I'm currently staying with my mother and her husband in Florida, and I've been here for more than a week.  This visit has been much more successful than my prior visit here almost four weeks ago, but I'd be lying if I said that it's all been stress-free and easy.  No, that's certainly not the case.  However, I am glad that I chose to come back here with the intention of working towards a better relationship with my mother.  Obviously a relationship requires both parties to be equally dedicated to this process for any real change to occur.  I knew going into this that I only could choose my own behaviors and my own reactions to my mother's behaviors and actions.  I haven't always chosen the best responses, but I've done a much better job than the last time I was here.

My mother's attitude, energy, and actions can be difficult to bear at times, and there doesn't appear to be any rhyme or reason to her emotional state.  I don't think that she will ever change, but I do think that my response to her aggressiveness can often lead to her willingness to soften eventually.  It just takes a long time, and it requires an immense amount of patience and determination on my part while I'm feeling riled by her incessant bitterness.

Yesterday was actually a pretty good day, though, and at least I have had many opportunities to show her that all I'm seeking, for the most part, is for her to speak to me with love.  She does love me-that I know.  She just doesn't seem able to fully relax and to let go very often, if ever, and she allows herself to behave any way that wants when she becomes stressed. What I can't understand is why she is even becomes stressed most of the time.  Everything seems fine, and normally everyone would be having a good time and enjoying themselves and each other.  Nothing has happened.  No one has done anything against her, and if something really minor has happened (like folding her laundry without first washing one's hands) it certainly wasn't done intentionally, nor was it done against anyone.  I want to get along with her, but I can't stand it when she screams at me for nothing or speaks to me in a demeaning fashion.  She's always demanding respect, but she doesn't always provide it to others. She always wants me to come give her a hug, but she isn't always willing to be loving with me in the first place.  My mother is an enigma (as we all are, I suppose).

When I was speaking to Michael on the phone earlier this afternoon, I posed an intriguing question to the both of us.  "How would we be living and what would we be doing if we were the bravest people on the planet?"
I need to seriously ponder that question and write down everything that comes up for me without any hesitation or judgment.

My other important thought today was that if Life isn't actually opening up to us as we are attempting to resolve our situation in a way that makes the most logical sense within our social norms, then maybe we ought to be thinking outside of the box.  It's not easy to think outside the box of reality in which one is entrenched, yet at the same time I believe that it's possible if we really were that brave.

We could sacrifice certain aspects of our lives to gain a totally new experience of life.

And perhaps even if we are blessed with this incredible job, we really ought to think about our goals in the near future and how we both want to life our lives because the rat race has lost its appeal to me.  I'm sick of inadvertently funneling money to the most horrific people on the planet, and I'm tired of allowing money to govern my choices.  The majority of our tax dollars are spent on war, and I feel that our social system is becoming more and more unjust.  The system benefits corporations at the expense of humanity, and I'm really tired of it.

Surviving isn't necessarily living, and before I die I'd really like to live in a way that supports my deepest and most spiritual truths.

We all have choices, and I think that if this job does come our way it will provide us with the opportunity to pay off our debts. I've been having a very hard time being dependent and not being able to contribute, and I want to help pull us out of the financial mess that we're in. I believe that paying off our debts and building up some savings is a good choice for us.  That said, if in the end we just end up doing exactly what is expected of us and end up living essentially just as we did before this experience of material loss and heartache and separation happened, then what would the purpose be of all this?  I think that we need to have clear goals about our future and what we really want to achieve in our lifetime.

I'm not saying that there is necessarily inherent purpose in Life, but I am saying that I'd like us to learn and to grow and to live better as a result of everything that we have endured.  I'm tired of the rat race, quite frankly, and I can see myself living a much more simple life in a beautiful, warm place.  That said, I don't really know where Life will take us.  There are many things that I would like to learn, from jewelry making and working with metals to food science research and potentially even to the ins and outs of journalism and editing work.  I've considered going back to school to become a Nurse Practitioner, and I've also thought about different jobs in design.  If this job didn't end up working out, and if I did have to go back to Austria for some time, I even contemplated teaching English as a second language to adults, probably in a business setting.

I don't know what's coming next or what to expect, and I feel like I'm in the midst of a waiting game.

I have to wait because I want to be with my husband, and everything in regards to my own personal future is on hold until we know where Michael will be working.

It doesn't have to be that way.  I could choose to do my own thing, but that wouldn't make me any happier than waiting.  If I can't be with him, then my relationship will be put on hold indefinitely. That's not at all what I want.

I don't really know exactly what I do want, but I'm asking the right questions.  I also do seem to know what I don't want, or at least I know what I fear the most.

Moving to Austria was pretty much the worst decision that I've ever made. I'm absolutely terrified of having to move back there, even temporarily, and of recreating the pain and the anguish that I felt before.  If that were to happen again, the experience could destroy me and could also obliterate my marriage.  I so want to succeed and to find my way and to reclaim my happiness and my joy again.  I don't want to move backwards.  I want to move forward, whatever that looks like.

Please, Life, bless us with the path of success and joy and health and ease and abundance through and for the good of all.

Is it our time yet?

Finding Inner Peace

Financial stress coupled with physical discomfort has wreaked havoc on my poor body and on my inner self.
I often find myself up until the wee hours of the night, exhausted but awake while stress is coarsing through my body and as plans and hopes and worries rush through my mind.
Tonight I decided to lay down and to intentionally relax with breathwork and guided imagery. I had purchased a guided imagery CD somewhere along the road during these travels, maybe in Toronto and maybe before that, and yesterday I finally transfered the CD onto my mother's computer and then onto my ipod.
I tried to go through the CD last night, but I wasn't as present as I was this evening.
The process begins with the breath and then with the intention of releasing tension from  my body, starting with my feet and working my way up until I reach my face and my head.  This requires an awareness of each part of my body, and then a sense of softening and of letting go.  After I have sunk into relaxation in this way, I am taken  on a journey within my mind using my imagination to carry me to a special sanctuary, a safe haven.
My safe haven always appears to be the same place, a beautiful meadow of green, extraordinarily soft, even fluffy grass that is surrounded by beautiful evergreen trees and colorful flowers and welcoming plants. The meadow has an oval or round shape, and I am there barefoot and in summer clothing. The sky is blue, the bright, golden sun is shining directly upon me, and the air is warm and comforting.  Butterflies and sometimes dragonflies flutter past me and sometimes even land on me gently for a few moments before they opt to continue their journeys.  I can hear bird chirping in the background, and I am aware that there are animals all around me.  They would never hurt me.  In this place, I am totally safe.  I am absolutely taken care of. I feel a sense of peace, joy, wonder, excitement, and love here. Love is all around me.
If  I become thirsty, suddenly there is a water bottle at my feet.  I haven't become hungry there yet, but I'm certain that my favorite berries would appear instantly at the first craving.
When I think about the safe haven I have created, I honestly become a little embarrassed.
It's like some kind of Disney movie set, but I don't care.
This is my special place, and I know that I'm safe there.  This is a place without worry or danger.
If I feel like rolling around in the grass, I do it.
If I suddenly feel like twirling and dancing and leaping with glee, I do it. There are no boundaries and there is no shame here.  I am happy and healthy and able to leap and dance barefoot without even the slightest hint of concern.  I can play here. I can experience complete joy here. Even the air around me feels like a giant hug.
The next part of the journey takes me to my brain and to the pituitary gland just below my brain which creates the natural opiates that my body can use to calm down.  I visualize a droplet forming, like a glistening dewdrop of water, right beneath the base of my brain. Once the drop of endorphins is full enough, it is released directly into my bloodstream which then carries these natural particles of well-being throughout my entire body.  I am flooded with good feelings, and the opiates gently wash away any pain that my body is holding or experiencing. I then breathe into any areas that still have tension or discomfort. As I breathe in, the areas expand and their colors and their shapes intensify. As I breathe out, the regions shrink back and their shapes soften and whatever color they hold get discharged and cleared. I repeat each deep breath with visualization of expansion and then contraction and release four times.
I clearly need to do this type of intentional relaxation daily in order to allow my body's natural healing process to work properly.
I'm pumping myself full of corticosteroids each day without fail. While I do exercise and stretch and take salt and herbal baths regularly, I don't think I'm doing enough to calm my nerves down.
I acknowledge that my body had already been feeling a lot better before I arrived in Toronto, and then suddenly everything started to feel much worse. My foot started aching again, and then the area around my right hip which was injured during the bicycle accident started to flare up.
This could all be stress induced, and I know that my body has been programmed to heal itself given the right environment.
Let's see if I can utilize more of my time to actively release the tension in my body and to run good feelings through her, and then hopefully I will maintain the presence to witness how my body is responding and changing because of my work.
I'm going to allow my body to get some rest now.
Peace.